Growing Pains

i think my mind might be fried. or maybe it's just that there's too much going on in my life, in addition to the events that have been going on in the world. there isn't enough time in a day...i need more sleep...but there are things i still need to get done, but am too tired/preoccupied to do.

i need a vacation...from life *smile*

over the past couple of weeks ive come into contact with a lot of information in regards to our people, society, race, etc. im still trying to process it all while taking on even more information. ive found myself being 'mentored' by Andrea of UppityNegro and she's been giving me some great stuff to read in addition to the material i already 'assisgned' myself.

i feel like im in college again. my mind is weary, but i feel like im catching up on a lot of things i didnt know. im reaching a new level of understanding and that's wonderful & terrifying at the same time. wonderful because i feel like im getting closer to something...what i dont know for sure. but im learning things that i/we really should have learned long ago. terrifying because i feel like i can see into some ofd the issues that plague us...the possible solution...and the fear that we'd reject the solution (and we have been doing just that)

i talk about how i hate/think it's pointless to talk about/overanalyze the problems. i talk about how we should do something. yet im stuck talking to you all because i havent figured out exactly how to do what i think needs to be done. ha, irony...no?

contrary to popular belief, one cant solve the problems of the Black community all by their lonesome. no great Black leader will emerge just in the nick of time to save us from ourselves. if we are to do better, we need to work as one. we need to work together and build.

i was privy to an email exchange between Andrea and a young woman she worked with, and in it some of the things i'd been thinking as of late became apparent:

1. for some of us who already know the 'deal' with race and racism in the country, news of new injustices arent a surprise, are really arent going to move us. if we were/are concerned at all, we dont need the reminders to rekindle what should have already been a fire blazing for social change.
   
2. we are a reactionary people; collectively and individually (some of us). why do we enormally wait until something goes from obviously bad to blatently worse before we decide we want to take action (examples: Imus, video 'ho's', the N word)
   
3. my generation is in trouble. we have been lead to believe that community service, a college degree, and a nice salary will change the world and better our race. WRONG. its gonna take a lot more than that, we have to think innovatively, work collaboratively, challenge the old ways and assumptions, and really get dirty. basically, we're gonna have to get in the trenches if we want to really win this thing.
   
4. we dont like hearing the truth...even though it could set us free. we'd much rather tell ourselves we've made it versus admitting that we're far from reaching the goal. we're not doing nearly enough to make things better, but we refuse to be told otherwise.

not meaning to be such a Debbie Downer, but that's just how i see things right now. i do hop ethat one day things will change, just havent figured out how yet.

there are a couple of pieces id like to share and speak on at length, but given my current state of mind, i dont know what i'd be able to do that. so here are a couple of pieces for you to sink your teeth into:

Losing What We Never Had: White Privilege and Deferred Dreams, Part 1
"The larger white society is getting ready to hold a party, to celebrate the end of racism, and lean back on their white privilege for the rest of their lives. It is an ongoing story of constant revision of history, and writing Black people out it. "It seems that every four years we see our struggle and needs ignored," writes the author, an historian. Presidential years are key to the revisionist project, they define the "new era." What follows is betrayal, as whites made up a feel-good version of history to justify their past actions."

Losing What We Never Had: White Privilege & the Deferred Dreams of Black America, Part 2
"Modern political mythology, also believed by Blacks, maintains that Franklin Roosevelt’s New Deal and the post-World War Two college and housing benefits for veterans were unmitigated boons for African Americans. However, in many ways, the opposite is true. The New Deal, largely shaped to appease racist southern lawmakers, actually codified Black inferior status, while elevating poor whites. And returning Black veterans got only a tiny fraction of the benefits of the GI Bill. President Johnson's Sixties War on Poverty effectively lasted only three years – at the end of which, the hopes of the Black poor were smashed."

How to Destroy an African-American City in Thirty-Three Steps – Lessons from Katrina
"How can we destroy a Black city? - let us count the ways. Federal, state and local officials appear to have compiled a comprehensive list of destructive acts of commission and omission - and pursued every possible tactic to permanently de-Blacken New Orleans."

What’s The Greater Obstacle To Black Progress: No Black Agenda, or Too Many Blacks With An Agenda?
"Certainly, the great leaders and change activists of the Nineteenth and Twentieth centuries, and even in the Twenty-first century recognize the inherent relationship between struggle and progress. Yet, more than ever, the Black community, in the collective sense, has become increasingly conflicted about what the struggle is and what progress has been made."

Majoring in Minstrelsy: White Students, Blackface and the Failure of Mainstream Multiculturalism
"White kids apparently believe they have the right to mock and deride Black people, as a sport. When they are caught in the act, they retreat to a position of "non-racism" - after having committed profoundly racist acts. Putting on "Black" wigs and darkening their bodies, these fiends who are going to become the leaders of "their" country act out the historical narrative of conquest and dehumanization. White youth hide behind "multi-culturalism" to solidify their social status, as rulers of the world, while talkin' Black talk, and tryr'na do the Black walk."

Whiteness as a Right of Passage
"Poor people from poor countries populated America, and then became "white." That was their right of passage. It is the saga of the American immigrants, who now turn on the new immigrants, as they did on the Black laborers who worked alongside them. They chose whiteness. Now they turn on Mexicans - who are also not of their race. Racism is the game. White supremacy is the object, and the at root of discourse around "legal vs. illegal immigration." It has always been. White America is out to protect its hard earned whiteness. But for Black America. the stakes are different. Do we need a whiter America?"


Bless

And THIS Is Why I Get Stuck

I don’t know where to start…I guess the main thing is that with all this new technology and constant influx of news and blogs and web magazines…there’s just TOO much information for me to process right now. I stopped reading blogs and newspapers for awhile. Not out of disinterest, but more so out of necessity for my sanity. There’s just too much to comment on…too much to think about…to many things to be concerned about. It’s hard to pick and choose what’s worth enough to blog about or to discuss with those few people in one’s circle that can handle intellectual conversations.

Dear Lord my head is swimming right now.

I had a wonderful conversation with a college buddy last night about my generation. Long story short, it left me feeling revived and encouraged to hear a peer, someone I know, doing positive things on a global scale. Talking through the various issues in the news now…we covered everything from Imus to Iraq and STILL had room for more convo, and had it not been for our own schedules I’m sure we could have gone on…but I digress.

I came to work today with the intent to get back into the swing of things. To see what people ‘out there’ are saying, to find the voices that I can identify with and issues that I also have an interest in. I spent the larger portion of my time at work today surfing the web, reading blogs, reading various news bytes…and THAT is why my head is swimming. In a world like this where ‘information’ is so readily available (albeit sometimes biased), it’s hard to pin down that one story, that one instance that you really want to take a deeper look at. Where does one truly begin?

And THAT is why I get stuck.

I’ve got a bad case of I-am-every-woman-it’s-all-in-me. I want to do it all, save everyone, comment on all things, and just…bleh. It’s not smart, feasible, or healthy, but nonetheless that is where I’m coming from. I’d even stopped writing poetry for awhile. I haven’t written since November, and that’s a long time for me. I’ve just stopped because I told myself I wanted to ‘listen’ and to absorb all that’s going on in the world. While there is truth in that I think that I also stopped because I was waiting for something, anything to give me fuel to say/write something that was worthwhile. Like I needed someone else to validate my own thoughts and emotions…I ought to slap myself for that mess. But now that I’m coming out of that quiet stage…I realize that these days it’s tough to discern which causes we support…there are so many to choose from. Part of what I came away from last night’s conversation with my friend was this: in spite of the desire to ‘heal the world,’ we can’t do it all in one smooth swoop. What we can do is find that one cause that really hits home…the one that strikes down to the core of our being, and make an effort to focus our energies in that singular direction.

I’m trying…really I am.

Still haven’t nailed it down, but I’m in the ball park. I know that God blessed me with certain gifts/skills – He gave them to each of us. I think I know what some of mine are, but I’m still at that point where it’s like…’Ok…now what?’ Even without an answer, I know what I want to and need to do…I need to read more. As much as I find myself being overwhelmed by all the opinions and stories floating out there, I’ve gotta get back into the habit of keeping up with what’s going on in the world…of what’s pertinent to my own interests and will help me to grow.

Like I said…I’m trying…but it still makes my head hurt to think of all that’s going on, and the desire to catch up on it all exceeds the human capacity of being able to process all that information. Even now the words on the screen are starting to look a little weird and I’m getting that funny little lump in my throat and the throbbing at the front of my forehead that let’s me know I’m on overload. It’s time for a dose of Mother Nature…I’ve got to get away from here for a minute.

Blessings

After The Vent...

I still hold to the sentiments I had before...I think the Black community needs to raise up seriosuly and get off this whole talking, whining, and crying thing. It's just not cool...I think that the same civil rights leaders that we hold up in a demi-god light would be ashamed of us.

I spoke with the woman who I wrote the letter to (Andrea, creator of www.UppityNegro.com) and she started to break it down to me. Basically...it came down to a big ole 'DUH,' because what I felt yesterday has been the same things she's been seeing, hearing, and living for the past 3 years in trying to get Uppity Negro (which is a movement, NOT a fashion statement) up and running. She wanted to mobilze us as a people, have each of us in our own way take part in some activism and start making the changes we'd been whining for. But at the end of it all there was a lot of talk, and no action on our part, and so she's given up on UN. I don't blame her...it's hard to mobilze people who don't want to be mobilized because in mobilizing them they just MIGHT have to let go of some of the 'comforts' of life.

I'm not exempt...I saw her story in a paper a few years ago and contacted her with a willingness to help, but when she responded and I heard all she was going through, I don't think I was prepared to step up to the plate. Why is it so hard for Black folks to help each other? To come together for a greater good? To struggle and appreciate the fact that the sacrifices made as an individual are for the benefit of the collective? What's happened to us? Why...are we so non-trusting and even hateful towards one another? Where is the REAL Black love? Someone let me know something...because I just do not see it.

I'm still tired of the talking, the intellectualizing, the postulating, and posing. I still want action. So then I have to turn inward and ask myself if I, ME, am ready to take action. Am I? And the response that comes to my head is 'but what about law school? grad school? what if this action thing leaves me destitute?' 'Cause admittedly, no one nowadays really wants to struggle, suffer, or go without. It might sound messed up, but at least I'm being honest. So I don't know WHAT I'm gonna do. More than likely, I'm gonna try and conjure up someway in which I can have my cake and eat it too. Meaning, I'll prolly try to go and get more education (because I DO think I'm gonna need that in my arsenal) and still take action. But...where do I start? We all have specific gifts and talents that we should use for the greater good of society...I just haven't figured mine out yet.

I still love my people. I'll die and go on to heaven still loving my people. I guess I'm just waiting for the answer to a question to magically appear, when it very well might be right in front of my face.

This Is How I'm Feeling Right Now...A Vent

I wrote this letter to a friend of mine this morning out of angst with all that's been going on. I've kept quiet lately, and I guess I just had to get it out. I figure people may not agree with what I've said, but these are my thoughts as of right now.

Lately…with the Imus thing, and the Duke players, and all of this talk about race and the Black community…I’m just fed up. I’m so tired of people passing the buck and looking back and talking about marches and Dr. King, and romanticizing the civil rights movement. I’m just not impressed, I’m just not moved, and I think the Black community has gotten used to pumping out a lot of hot air and it’s starting to piss me off. With Imus, aight yes he was wrong and what Snoop said was just plain dumb. Now that Imus is gone, I really honestly don’t think that the Black community will do a blessed thing. The greater population of us is too into the hood life and all things associated with it and I don’t think that we as a people are up for holding ourselves accountable, which is plain sad.

And I’m tired of Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson. Lord bless them for the roles they’ve played in the civil rights movement, but those days are gone and they just strike me as sensationalists who are ready and willing to throw up the race card and make Black folks seem like victims. Yes, we as a people have undergone some heinous treatment in the country and the effects of some of the racial, social, and economic discrimination established during slavery is still being felt today, HOWEVER, we are NOT victims! Sharpton just makes my head hurt because the man just does not move the people towards positivity and growth with the same fervor that he uses to move us to anger the moment some white person does something stupid. I’m just tired of him and Jesse too, for that matter…just a lot of loud talk when the cameras are on, but that’s just my opinion.

What is wrong with us? It’s just frustrating and I’m starting to see what you’re talking about in terms of action or the lack thereof. I once wrote in one of my poems about how Blacks have given way to complacency so there’s no desire to change, but what I’m seeing or have been hearing lately is that the more educated of us just want to talk and intellectualize things versus acting upon them. I read the article you sent, and yea…I think that the ‘talented tenth’ is part bull and part useful. I don’t care how many make it ‘out’ the point is to go BACK and help get others out. Yes, uplifting our community is a daunting task and it cant be done in one large swoop, it’s a continuation of service and showing love, compassion and understanding. It’s a changing of attitudes towards one another and gathering a better (and more informed) understating of who we are as a culture, where we came from, and why things have come to be. We can do it, but like anything, it is going to be a struggle. The ‘successful’…no, some of them (because you can’t ignore those out there who have ‘made it’ and do go back) have just gone for self from the beginning with no intentions of giving back. And you know what? Lord have mercy on them when the time comes, because to not help your people is severe ignorance and cold-heartedness on their part.

I feel like I’m at my wit’s end. I’ve been very quite lately, for months it seems I’ve just been taking things in and just observing what’s going on. With the Imus situation popped up and Black folks all of a sudden got passionate and where basically calling for his blood it seemed, I just remained a lil indifferent. They didn’t let him go because they were listening to Us, they let him go cause the advertisers took away that $$, and that’s real. Now if we’d just take that same anger and turn it towards ourselves and the artists who perpetuate hate and derogatory attitudes towards our own, then MAYBE we could get somewhere. But, call me cynical, but I just don’t see us doing that collectively as a people.

I’m just tired. I want more. I want better. I want us to stop b*tchin and start a revolution. Who am I kidding tho? We aren’t ready for a revolution. We don’t even want one. We just want to continually make the White man walk on eggs about race while the rich Blacks get richer and ease on out of the community and those who have any semblance of intelligence just settle for discussion groups and hold forums and conventions, talking themselves into circles. It just really makes me feel sick to my stomach. I haven’t put all this out there, I’ve kinda kept it inside, but I guess the reason why I’m venting to you is because I felt like you were the only one who gets it. Cause I’ve seen what you’ve gone through with Uppity Negro (www.uppitynegro.com) and with trying to get us to mobilize and move, and now I understand how even we who love Black folks so much can get so discouraged and pessimistic about the state of affairs.

Ha, and we’re lookin at Obama like he can save us? lol, Lord have mercy on us, we are just so freakin lost and blinded by our own ignorance and complacency.