The Quarter Life Crisis

well maybe it's not a crisis...more like an irritatingly nagging concern about the fact that i'm going to be 25 in less than a month. it's the all too uncomfortable realization that, in spite of my declaring to be a Toy R Us kid forever, that i have to grow up. it's the thoughts that i try my hardest to push aside on my morning ride into work about where i would like to be in the next 5 years. it's planning for a future that isnt promised, isnt certain, and is subjective to a variety of known and unknown variable.

um...this sucks.

not that im depressed about it or anything...i'm glad ive made it this far and i figure i can only keep going up *crosses fingers and spins around 3 times* but it seems like, for me, this is a point in my life where i have to think critically about what i want to do with my life. im not thinking 10 years ahead...no no, that's too hard...i'll just think ahead 5 and take it from there.

and as uncertain things seem to be at times, ive got to say that i feel ok knowing that ive got some semblance of a plan. that from working my way backwards from my goals...i can see what steps i might need to take to get me where i want to be. so im not afraid of my future at all, but the fact that im the one responsible for myself and my own personal growth has given me somethings to consider.

i know i need to go back to school. do i want to go back to school? eh, not particularly, just because it's so expensive, but i do welcome the chance to learn new things and interact with other bright minds. i'll be trying to get my mind geared towards GRE prep so that i'll be ready for it come next year. i need to get myself back into that college way of thinking....the standardized tests, the personal statement, the fasfa, the loans (ugh...the loans). ive been outta school going on 3 years now, and i can see why folks who tell you to finish up your schooling while you're still young...because once you get out into the 'world' and are working full time and are carving out some kind of a social life for yourself the idea of school, books, tests, studying...yea, not too appealing.

but i will conquer.

of course the yearnings for the stable relationship are present as i figure i'll want to start a family within the next decade or so. but...lack of prospects and a rather short tolerance for nonsense on my part has continued to push those yearnings down, down, down, lol.

i dont plan on moving from the area anytime soon...i actually like northern VA...if i were to move anywhere out of VA, it would have to be somewhere further south, and i know im not even ready to begin realistically thinking about doing that. so for now i will continue to daydream about my summer home by a nice lil river down in Savannah.

career...well i know i want to stay in the non-profit world. (YES!) but i dont want to take graphic design on professionally...at least i dont want to work for anyone else - i like freelancing and would like to see my freelancing business expand in the years to come. but when it comes to the 9-5, i think the non-profit sector is where i'll be. ideally...id love to have a job with flexible hours...where i'm not always behind a desk staring at a computer screen...something where life and work can come together as one, but id still be able to leave my work at work at the end of the day. i dont want to be a slave to the workforce. i want to have some kind of creative and academic freedom to just do whatever it is i'm doing, knowing that the work is fullfilling, doing some kind of good for a cause larger than myself, and pays me well (hey, i can dream)

so in a nutshell thats a glimpse into some of the things going on in my head as of late. i wont even begin to talk about my musings on religion. might have to save that post for another day.

Peace
CBrava

Growing Pains

i think my mind might be fried. or maybe it's just that there's too much going on in my life, in addition to the events that have been going on in the world. there isn't enough time in a day...i need more sleep...but there are things i still need to get done, but am too tired/preoccupied to do.

i need a vacation...from life *smile*

over the past couple of weeks ive come into contact with a lot of information in regards to our people, society, race, etc. im still trying to process it all while taking on even more information. ive found myself being 'mentored' by Andrea of UppityNegro and she's been giving me some great stuff to read in addition to the material i already 'assisgned' myself.

i feel like im in college again. my mind is weary, but i feel like im catching up on a lot of things i didnt know. im reaching a new level of understanding and that's wonderful & terrifying at the same time. wonderful because i feel like im getting closer to something...what i dont know for sure. but im learning things that i/we really should have learned long ago. terrifying because i feel like i can see into some ofd the issues that plague us...the possible solution...and the fear that we'd reject the solution (and we have been doing just that)

i talk about how i hate/think it's pointless to talk about/overanalyze the problems. i talk about how we should do something. yet im stuck talking to you all because i havent figured out exactly how to do what i think needs to be done. ha, irony...no?

contrary to popular belief, one cant solve the problems of the Black community all by their lonesome. no great Black leader will emerge just in the nick of time to save us from ourselves. if we are to do better, we need to work as one. we need to work together and build.

i was privy to an email exchange between Andrea and a young woman she worked with, and in it some of the things i'd been thinking as of late became apparent:

1. for some of us who already know the 'deal' with race and racism in the country, news of new injustices arent a surprise, are really arent going to move us. if we were/are concerned at all, we dont need the reminders to rekindle what should have already been a fire blazing for social change.
   
2. we are a reactionary people; collectively and individually (some of us). why do we enormally wait until something goes from obviously bad to blatently worse before we decide we want to take action (examples: Imus, video 'ho's', the N word)
   
3. my generation is in trouble. we have been lead to believe that community service, a college degree, and a nice salary will change the world and better our race. WRONG. its gonna take a lot more than that, we have to think innovatively, work collaboratively, challenge the old ways and assumptions, and really get dirty. basically, we're gonna have to get in the trenches if we want to really win this thing.
   
4. we dont like hearing the truth...even though it could set us free. we'd much rather tell ourselves we've made it versus admitting that we're far from reaching the goal. we're not doing nearly enough to make things better, but we refuse to be told otherwise.

not meaning to be such a Debbie Downer, but that's just how i see things right now. i do hop ethat one day things will change, just havent figured out how yet.

there are a couple of pieces id like to share and speak on at length, but given my current state of mind, i dont know what i'd be able to do that. so here are a couple of pieces for you to sink your teeth into:

Losing What We Never Had: White Privilege and Deferred Dreams, Part 1
"The larger white society is getting ready to hold a party, to celebrate the end of racism, and lean back on their white privilege for the rest of their lives. It is an ongoing story of constant revision of history, and writing Black people out it. "It seems that every four years we see our struggle and needs ignored," writes the author, an historian. Presidential years are key to the revisionist project, they define the "new era." What follows is betrayal, as whites made up a feel-good version of history to justify their past actions."

Losing What We Never Had: White Privilege & the Deferred Dreams of Black America, Part 2
"Modern political mythology, also believed by Blacks, maintains that Franklin Roosevelt’s New Deal and the post-World War Two college and housing benefits for veterans were unmitigated boons for African Americans. However, in many ways, the opposite is true. The New Deal, largely shaped to appease racist southern lawmakers, actually codified Black inferior status, while elevating poor whites. And returning Black veterans got only a tiny fraction of the benefits of the GI Bill. President Johnson's Sixties War on Poverty effectively lasted only three years – at the end of which, the hopes of the Black poor were smashed."

How to Destroy an African-American City in Thirty-Three Steps – Lessons from Katrina
"How can we destroy a Black city? - let us count the ways. Federal, state and local officials appear to have compiled a comprehensive list of destructive acts of commission and omission - and pursued every possible tactic to permanently de-Blacken New Orleans."

What’s The Greater Obstacle To Black Progress: No Black Agenda, or Too Many Blacks With An Agenda?
"Certainly, the great leaders and change activists of the Nineteenth and Twentieth centuries, and even in the Twenty-first century recognize the inherent relationship between struggle and progress. Yet, more than ever, the Black community, in the collective sense, has become increasingly conflicted about what the struggle is and what progress has been made."

Majoring in Minstrelsy: White Students, Blackface and the Failure of Mainstream Multiculturalism
"White kids apparently believe they have the right to mock and deride Black people, as a sport. When they are caught in the act, they retreat to a position of "non-racism" - after having committed profoundly racist acts. Putting on "Black" wigs and darkening their bodies, these fiends who are going to become the leaders of "their" country act out the historical narrative of conquest and dehumanization. White youth hide behind "multi-culturalism" to solidify their social status, as rulers of the world, while talkin' Black talk, and tryr'na do the Black walk."

Whiteness as a Right of Passage
"Poor people from poor countries populated America, and then became "white." That was their right of passage. It is the saga of the American immigrants, who now turn on the new immigrants, as they did on the Black laborers who worked alongside them. They chose whiteness. Now they turn on Mexicans - who are also not of their race. Racism is the game. White supremacy is the object, and the at root of discourse around "legal vs. illegal immigration." It has always been. White America is out to protect its hard earned whiteness. But for Black America. the stakes are different. Do we need a whiter America?"


Bless

And THIS Is Why I Get Stuck

I don’t know where to start…I guess the main thing is that with all this new technology and constant influx of news and blogs and web magazines…there’s just TOO much information for me to process right now. I stopped reading blogs and newspapers for awhile. Not out of disinterest, but more so out of necessity for my sanity. There’s just too much to comment on…too much to think about…to many things to be concerned about. It’s hard to pick and choose what’s worth enough to blog about or to discuss with those few people in one’s circle that can handle intellectual conversations.

Dear Lord my head is swimming right now.

I had a wonderful conversation with a college buddy last night about my generation. Long story short, it left me feeling revived and encouraged to hear a peer, someone I know, doing positive things on a global scale. Talking through the various issues in the news now…we covered everything from Imus to Iraq and STILL had room for more convo, and had it not been for our own schedules I’m sure we could have gone on…but I digress.

I came to work today with the intent to get back into the swing of things. To see what people ‘out there’ are saying, to find the voices that I can identify with and issues that I also have an interest in. I spent the larger portion of my time at work today surfing the web, reading blogs, reading various news bytes…and THAT is why my head is swimming. In a world like this where ‘information’ is so readily available (albeit sometimes biased), it’s hard to pin down that one story, that one instance that you really want to take a deeper look at. Where does one truly begin?

And THAT is why I get stuck.

I’ve got a bad case of I-am-every-woman-it’s-all-in-me. I want to do it all, save everyone, comment on all things, and just…bleh. It’s not smart, feasible, or healthy, but nonetheless that is where I’m coming from. I’d even stopped writing poetry for awhile. I haven’t written since November, and that’s a long time for me. I’ve just stopped because I told myself I wanted to ‘listen’ and to absorb all that’s going on in the world. While there is truth in that I think that I also stopped because I was waiting for something, anything to give me fuel to say/write something that was worthwhile. Like I needed someone else to validate my own thoughts and emotions…I ought to slap myself for that mess. But now that I’m coming out of that quiet stage…I realize that these days it’s tough to discern which causes we support…there are so many to choose from. Part of what I came away from last night’s conversation with my friend was this: in spite of the desire to ‘heal the world,’ we can’t do it all in one smooth swoop. What we can do is find that one cause that really hits home…the one that strikes down to the core of our being, and make an effort to focus our energies in that singular direction.

I’m trying…really I am.

Still haven’t nailed it down, but I’m in the ball park. I know that God blessed me with certain gifts/skills – He gave them to each of us. I think I know what some of mine are, but I’m still at that point where it’s like…’Ok…now what?’ Even without an answer, I know what I want to and need to do…I need to read more. As much as I find myself being overwhelmed by all the opinions and stories floating out there, I’ve gotta get back into the habit of keeping up with what’s going on in the world…of what’s pertinent to my own interests and will help me to grow.

Like I said…I’m trying…but it still makes my head hurt to think of all that’s going on, and the desire to catch up on it all exceeds the human capacity of being able to process all that information. Even now the words on the screen are starting to look a little weird and I’m getting that funny little lump in my throat and the throbbing at the front of my forehead that let’s me know I’m on overload. It’s time for a dose of Mother Nature…I’ve got to get away from here for a minute.

Blessings