The Quarter Life Crisis

well maybe it's not a crisis...more like an irritatingly nagging concern about the fact that i'm going to be 25 in less than a month. it's the all too uncomfortable realization that, in spite of my declaring to be a Toy R Us kid forever, that i have to grow up. it's the thoughts that i try my hardest to push aside on my morning ride into work about where i would like to be in the next 5 years. it's planning for a future that isnt promised, isnt certain, and is subjective to a variety of known and unknown variable.

um...this sucks.

not that im depressed about it or anything...i'm glad ive made it this far and i figure i can only keep going up *crosses fingers and spins around 3 times* but it seems like, for me, this is a point in my life where i have to think critically about what i want to do with my life. im not thinking 10 years ahead...no no, that's too hard...i'll just think ahead 5 and take it from there.

and as uncertain things seem to be at times, ive got to say that i feel ok knowing that ive got some semblance of a plan. that from working my way backwards from my goals...i can see what steps i might need to take to get me where i want to be. so im not afraid of my future at all, but the fact that im the one responsible for myself and my own personal growth has given me somethings to consider.

i know i need to go back to school. do i want to go back to school? eh, not particularly, just because it's so expensive, but i do welcome the chance to learn new things and interact with other bright minds. i'll be trying to get my mind geared towards GRE prep so that i'll be ready for it come next year. i need to get myself back into that college way of thinking....the standardized tests, the personal statement, the fasfa, the loans (ugh...the loans). ive been outta school going on 3 years now, and i can see why folks who tell you to finish up your schooling while you're still young...because once you get out into the 'world' and are working full time and are carving out some kind of a social life for yourself the idea of school, books, tests, studying...yea, not too appealing.

but i will conquer.

of course the yearnings for the stable relationship are present as i figure i'll want to start a family within the next decade or so. but...lack of prospects and a rather short tolerance for nonsense on my part has continued to push those yearnings down, down, down, lol.

i dont plan on moving from the area anytime soon...i actually like northern VA...if i were to move anywhere out of VA, it would have to be somewhere further south, and i know im not even ready to begin realistically thinking about doing that. so for now i will continue to daydream about my summer home by a nice lil river down in Savannah.

career...well i know i want to stay in the non-profit world. (YES!) but i dont want to take graphic design on professionally...at least i dont want to work for anyone else - i like freelancing and would like to see my freelancing business expand in the years to come. but when it comes to the 9-5, i think the non-profit sector is where i'll be. ideally...id love to have a job with flexible hours...where i'm not always behind a desk staring at a computer screen...something where life and work can come together as one, but id still be able to leave my work at work at the end of the day. i dont want to be a slave to the workforce. i want to have some kind of creative and academic freedom to just do whatever it is i'm doing, knowing that the work is fullfilling, doing some kind of good for a cause larger than myself, and pays me well (hey, i can dream)

so in a nutshell thats a glimpse into some of the things going on in my head as of late. i wont even begin to talk about my musings on religion. might have to save that post for another day.

Peace
CBrava

Are you there Jah? It's me Ras-Trent...

usually i dont watch snl...it just hasnt been funny to me in years, but when Tina Fey broke out the Sarah Palin impersonations snl got my attention once again. in last night's episode i found a little gem of a skit about a Rasta Man...Ras-Trent. i havent stopped laughing...seriously...skiddley whoooaaaa ;)

Can i just say...my favorite part occurs when the countdown reads about 0:25...let's keep it real Ras-Trent...lmao



CBrava

Been Thinking

1st off...Happy New Year to all of the lovely people out there.


I feel like since I’ve left college, I’ve gotten dumber. Well…not dumber, but it seems as though my mind can be kinda slow when I’m speaking and trying to get the words out. Maybe that’s because I don’t do much talking at work…and when I’m home I don’t do much talking either. I don’t know, but I don’t like it; it’s just a strange thing to notice.


I haven’t posted in awhile because I’ve been caught up in doing other things. I keep painting…and as these things keep accumulating in my apartment, eventually I will have to have a showing and try to sell them, though I love them dearly.


Been exploring new areas of spirituality. I don’t know what will come of it yet, but I’ve become interested in the Buddhist way of living/thinking. I’m all for kindness, love, and thinking of others before yourself. I’ve been reading the book “How to Practice the Way to a Meaningful Life” by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and a lot of the things mentioned in there really resonate with me.

Politix
Of course right now the main buzz out there is about the primaries. I want to go into things more, but a) I’m not a political pundit and b) I just don’t feel like it. With that said, here are some brief thoughts on things that have occurred thus far:

1. congrats to Obama for the Iowa win, I’m sure that gave him and his camp some extra umph.
2. Hillary on MLK….*shakin my head* you shoulda just kept your mouth shut woman
3. it sucks that Hillary was on the Tyra show…what Presidential candidate needs to go on the Tyra show just to come across as approachable. Yea I get that she’s trying to reach females, but if she’s not warm and cuddly, she’s just not warm and cuddly. Shouldn’t really effect her ability to be a good president
4. Bob Johnson – you freaking idiot…you freaking shuckin and jivin’…coonin’ @ss idiot.
5. Hillary & Bill…get your boy Johnson in check. Shame on the both of yall for not saying something when he was up there showing his arse, and boo to Bob for that whack @ss apology. We all know what you REALLY were saying. We aren’t dumb.
6. Michelle Obama…I like how you’re sticking by and speaking out for your man. Classy lady that you are. *applause*
7. Poor Edwards…won’t anyone vote for a white male for president anymore??? Seriously, I kinda like you Edwards, don’t think you’ll get the Presidential bid…but I wouldn’t mind seeing you in the White House as VP.
8. Feb. 5th…you ready?
   

In the News

• So Oprah has her OWN Network …go head O! The woman is an empire all in herself. I’m interested in seeing what she’s going to do with this. Might have to upgrade that cable package to check her out, lol.
• Marion Jones is gonna do jail time jail time. Damn baby girl, you were my she-ro…at least a lil bit. Sad to see you too are about to do time behind bars. I hate how illegal drug use can ruin an athelete’s career and reputation. Of course all past races she won will now be in question. Damn homie…damn.
• Britney Spears…the woman needs help and prayer. The media needs to leave her the heck alone so that she can get herself together. On the flipside…I find it kind of ironic that America’s Sweetheart is now in such a dire state. It kind of speaks volumes about American society doesn’t it? It does to me.
• Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority Inc, celebrates 100 years of sisterhood AND gets a new Barbie doll! How cool is that?

Well ladies and germs, that’s it for now. Have a beautifully productive and peaceful (yes the two can coexist) day.

Bless and Bliss

Breaking the Silence

Can’t believe that it’s been a month to the day since I’ve written a post, but I guess that’s just how it can be sometimes. There’s a lot of information out there in the world about a vast amount of topics, and I’m still trying to get a hold of it all. There is a lot…a LOT of talking going on right now about whatever is sensational and of the moment…frankly I’m disgusted with how we pose and postulate, but don’t act. I know I’ve said it before, but that’s just how I feel. And so…with all the ‘talking’ going on, I just didn’t want to say anything, though I had my own opinions on what’s been going on…I just didn’t want to speak/write. So I haven’t until now.

Life…is beautiful…though it puts a strain on us at times, but overall I am happy and blessed. Today I did something I haven’t don’t in awhile…I wrote a poem. Poetry is a love of mine, but he and I haven’t been vibing lately because as good as he and I can be together, sometimes I just need my space. And it’s only when I’m in the most despair and looking for the words to express how I’m feeling that I come back to him, and we make up and it’s all good till I get into one of my moods and give him the silent treatment. Yea, so here:



swans don’t sing
swans don’t sing / as they
perish
they release a wail that haunts your soul / a
wail that bemoans
the beauty of what once was never to
be come(s) its last
will & testament as it trans(ends) this
plane to the next

listen to me children and i
will sing you a song without words or melody / i
sing it (f)orte in the key of maj#r regret at
3/5th time / i will sing you the swan song
of a flock so in love with its
own plumage that they never aspired
to learn to fly / and so they perished earthly beings
though they were created to soar

s.gray 2007

live.laugh.love...
CBrava

Um...Black Power?

So yea…I’m checking my myspace account and I get a friend request from this guy. So I go to the page and voila:

Take it all in…so I’m lookin at the page, and of course I had to share the absurdity of it all with you, my lovely readers. Out of natural curiosity I take a look at some of his blog entries…

and I become a lil more disturbed. I guess this is some kind of BDSM thing?? Seems like the poor chap gets off on have a dominant Black woman tell him what to do, how to do it, and when.

Now…my questions of course are…
1. WHY is he in my extended network??
2. WHY did the man try to "friend" me? Was it the picture of me in the head wrap and the shades that did it? I was goin for neo-soul, not Black Militant Dominatrix Queen of All Whimpy White Men….WTF?! CLEARLY that’s my OTHER myspace page (I bet you clicked on the link, didn’t you!).
3. Is there something about me that’s particularly domineering?...scratch that, I know myself well enough to know the answer to that is a definitive and rather emphatic YES…but whatever, lol.
4. [childish whine] WHY does he have more friends than meeeeeee?!?!? [/childish whine]

So um…yea, random funny things that happen to me. Woot.

p.s. did I mention that our Black Power lovin friend Tony is a hair dresser? I wonder if I could order him to re-color my locs...my roots are lookin mighty black again...meh he might like that too much tho...

Things That Are On My Mind

As I sit here at work, I really have to take a moment and reflect upon how good God is and how wonderful He has been to me. While this world is in disarray and people are going mad and killing and doing all kinds of horrible things to one another…in the midst of the madness I have found my own peace and joy in my growing relationship with my Creator. It is all alright y’all…He’s got it under control and all things work according to His divine will – the good, the bad, and yes even the ugly. If you don’t already, try talking to Him about whatever is on your mind, He’s the only one I know who is always available and always willing to listen.

In other news…my dreads are kinda awesome. Freeforming is such a liberating experience…I just let my hair do its thing. I posted some updates in my fotki: http://public.fotki.com/congobrava For a lil bit I’d been fretting because my locs don’t do the cute little curls any more since they are growing, but I’ve gotten over it. I realize that as my hair grows, it provides me with an opportunity to experiment with different styles outside of curls. Example…today I managed to pull off a cute little flip (will post a picture later), and I think I’ve found another style that suits my hair at its current length. I’ve found that some of the locs I’ve combined a few months ago are growing in flat, and I’m excited about seeing them grow. Some of my thinner locs are doing well. For awhile I was concerned that they would fall/break off because they are so thin, but after looking at the locs of others, I figure I must be ok. Should they happen to break off (which I doubt), then oh well…I’ve been blessed with a head ful of locs, so no need to stress over losing a couple, right? Right. Now that the weather is getting nicer by the day (praise God for that) and the sun is out shining I can really see just how red my locs are, lol. I like it…it fits me. I’m beginning to see the color difference as my new growth comes in, but it doesn’t bother me. I cant get hung up on stuff like that, but I do think I might either re-color my head OR just do some highlights in the next month or so…we’ll see.

As an update on my marathon training…lol, um…yea, my bad on that. I still plan to run a marathon, and actually I’m thinking of joining this Team-In-Training (http://www.teamintraining.org/) this month to train for the Marine Corps Marathon in DC this October. I’ve been trying to get out there and jog every now and again, but alas…the lady has been rather tired lately. I think it might be that my energy level has dropped since I stopped going to bootcamp…booooo. But I’m gonna work it out, no worries.


Blessings