The Quarter Life Crisis

well maybe it's not a crisis...more like an irritatingly nagging concern about the fact that i'm going to be 25 in less than a month. it's the all too uncomfortable realization that, in spite of my declaring to be a Toy R Us kid forever, that i have to grow up. it's the thoughts that i try my hardest to push aside on my morning ride into work about where i would like to be in the next 5 years. it's planning for a future that isnt promised, isnt certain, and is subjective to a variety of known and unknown variable.

um...this sucks.

not that im depressed about it or anything...i'm glad ive made it this far and i figure i can only keep going up *crosses fingers and spins around 3 times* but it seems like, for me, this is a point in my life where i have to think critically about what i want to do with my life. im not thinking 10 years ahead...no no, that's too hard...i'll just think ahead 5 and take it from there.

and as uncertain things seem to be at times, ive got to say that i feel ok knowing that ive got some semblance of a plan. that from working my way backwards from my goals...i can see what steps i might need to take to get me where i want to be. so im not afraid of my future at all, but the fact that im the one responsible for myself and my own personal growth has given me somethings to consider.

i know i need to go back to school. do i want to go back to school? eh, not particularly, just because it's so expensive, but i do welcome the chance to learn new things and interact with other bright minds. i'll be trying to get my mind geared towards GRE prep so that i'll be ready for it come next year. i need to get myself back into that college way of thinking....the standardized tests, the personal statement, the fasfa, the loans (ugh...the loans). ive been outta school going on 3 years now, and i can see why folks who tell you to finish up your schooling while you're still young...because once you get out into the 'world' and are working full time and are carving out some kind of a social life for yourself the idea of school, books, tests, studying...yea, not too appealing.

but i will conquer.

of course the yearnings for the stable relationship are present as i figure i'll want to start a family within the next decade or so. but...lack of prospects and a rather short tolerance for nonsense on my part has continued to push those yearnings down, down, down, lol.

i dont plan on moving from the area anytime soon...i actually like northern VA...if i were to move anywhere out of VA, it would have to be somewhere further south, and i know im not even ready to begin realistically thinking about doing that. so for now i will continue to daydream about my summer home by a nice lil river down in Savannah.

career...well i know i want to stay in the non-profit world. (YES!) but i dont want to take graphic design on professionally...at least i dont want to work for anyone else - i like freelancing and would like to see my freelancing business expand in the years to come. but when it comes to the 9-5, i think the non-profit sector is where i'll be. ideally...id love to have a job with flexible hours...where i'm not always behind a desk staring at a computer screen...something where life and work can come together as one, but id still be able to leave my work at work at the end of the day. i dont want to be a slave to the workforce. i want to have some kind of creative and academic freedom to just do whatever it is i'm doing, knowing that the work is fullfilling, doing some kind of good for a cause larger than myself, and pays me well (hey, i can dream)

so in a nutshell thats a glimpse into some of the things going on in my head as of late. i wont even begin to talk about my musings on religion. might have to save that post for another day.

Peace
CBrava

Jump on In, the Water's Fine

no point in apologizing for what seems to be repeated offenses, lol. i can admit that keeping a blog full time and on a regular basis, just ain't my thing. nontheless i got ish to say, so let's get to it, shall we?


Ladies and Gents I give you... The Dream Team

courtesy of eurweb.com


yea folks, that's it right there. something about Oprah's endorsement and the fan fare that followed the events in Iowa and South Carolina kinda tickled me. it will be interesting to see what Oprah's continued endorsement of Obama will have on his campaign. can't hurt to have Oprah on your side right? yea, i didn't think so either.

i like Obama, and i dig his whole 'change' platform. it seems as though Black folks still tend to favor Clinton, and you've got to ask why. i think that the reason has something to do with the fact that we dont think a Black candidate will win the presidency. some would say the country isnt 'ready' for a Black president. well my dears, the country is only as ready as we try to make it be. we'll never know until we try, correct?

*

anywho...onto other things, life is grand for me personally. nothing's perfect, but im happy nonetheless. since my last post, ive celebrated my 24th year on this earth, got a new tattoo, got my apartment furnished for free (thanks be to God for Her mercies and blessings), been dating someone i can tolerate (lol), and have begun to read up on and considering a new religious/spiritual direction in Buddhism. funny what can happen in a month or two, huh?

*

the holidays are upon us, and ive been going back and forth with how i want to celebrate them or if i want to celebrate them at all. after last year's christmas, i got to thinking about what the holiday means to me and what society seems to make it appear to be. did a lil digging and found that Jesus really wasnt the reason for the season, which kinda spun me for a loop.

but i think im slowly starting to resolve it all for myself. i mean, i gotta admit, i love xmas songs. i love snow on christmas day, and the warm glow that comes from a beautiful christmas tree. whether the meaning behind it all has to do with God or not is one thing, but cosmetically speaking, xmas can be a lovely time. i love the idea of family and friends comming together around this time of year. it seems to be the one time outta the year that people allow their hearts to defrost a lil and are open to giving and being kind to others. for that reason i love the holidays.

i tried to deny christmas, neigh, i tried to shun it. but ignoring the commercialism of it all and focusing on what it symbolizes, the peace, joy, and goodwill towards (wo)men...brings it all back to center for me. ive got my gifts for those i care about, and truly i want not a thing for the holidays save spending time with the people i love.

*

ah, i painted a new piece, check it:

buddhA



aight kiddies, im outta here for now. ill be back...hopefully later this week. got some thoughts floatin round in the cranium

peace,
CBrava

Breaking the Silence

Can’t believe that it’s been a month to the day since I’ve written a post, but I guess that’s just how it can be sometimes. There’s a lot of information out there in the world about a vast amount of topics, and I’m still trying to get a hold of it all. There is a lot…a LOT of talking going on right now about whatever is sensational and of the moment…frankly I’m disgusted with how we pose and postulate, but don’t act. I know I’ve said it before, but that’s just how I feel. And so…with all the ‘talking’ going on, I just didn’t want to say anything, though I had my own opinions on what’s been going on…I just didn’t want to speak/write. So I haven’t until now.

Life…is beautiful…though it puts a strain on us at times, but overall I am happy and blessed. Today I did something I haven’t don’t in awhile…I wrote a poem. Poetry is a love of mine, but he and I haven’t been vibing lately because as good as he and I can be together, sometimes I just need my space. And it’s only when I’m in the most despair and looking for the words to express how I’m feeling that I come back to him, and we make up and it’s all good till I get into one of my moods and give him the silent treatment. Yea, so here:



swans don’t sing
swans don’t sing / as they
perish
they release a wail that haunts your soul / a
wail that bemoans
the beauty of what once was never to
be come(s) its last
will & testament as it trans(ends) this
plane to the next

listen to me children and i
will sing you a song without words or melody / i
sing it (f)orte in the key of maj#r regret at
3/5th time / i will sing you the swan song
of a flock so in love with its
own plumage that they never aspired
to learn to fly / and so they perished earthly beings
though they were created to soar

s.gray 2007

live.laugh.love...
CBrava